A Guide to Self-Forgiveness - My Experience as a Therapist
Self-forgiveness is a vital form of self-care and necessary for personal growth, but can be challenging to pull off. As a therapist I have worked with a number of clients who were struggling with self-forgiveness. One client, Jason (name changed), went on an angry tirade in front of his eight-year-old daughter during a relapse from his sobriety from alcohol. He said some terrible and upsetting things to her. When he got sober again a week later, the reality of what he had done and the impact on his daughter hit him really hard. He was convinced he was a terrible father, an unredeemable person and that he had irreparably harmed his daughter and their relationship. This made him want to avoid her, which made him feel even worse.
Self-forgiveness is a process, not something you can just suddenly and immediately achieve. It’s not about endlessly beating yourself up and nor is about giving yourself a free pass. It’s about striking a balance between taking ownership of your behavior and also learning to practice self-compassion. Self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness, concern, and understanding. Self-forgiveness does not mean you are condoning or glossing over the past behavior your regret. But it also means not letting it define you or keep you stuck.
The First Step in the Process of Self-Forgiveness
The first step in the process of self-forgiveness is identifying the emotions the behavior you regret is bringing up for you. When we identify and name our emotions, they tend to become less intense and we are better able to regulate them. In the example above, Jason felt a tremendous amount of shame about how he spoke to his daughter and anger at himself. It’s helpful to note the distinction between shame and guilt. Guilt is about doing a bad thing, while shame is about being a bad person. People are not defined by their least noble actions. Shame has no useful purpose and just creates a shame cycle, leading to self-destructive behavior. Work on letting go of shame. I encouraged Jason to recognize that while his behavior in this instance was problematic, he himself is not a bad person. This important distinction can help a person be more compassionate to themselves and also provide greater motivation to change their behavior. Conversely, feelings of guilt for bad behavior are useful and should not be avoided. They can provide motivation for making amends, changing behavior and not repeating mistakes. It is normal and healthy to feel guilty when we behave badly. The key is to channel those feelings of guilt into positive steps so that you grow as a person from the experience.
Next, we looked at what he could do to try to make amends for his conduct and repair his relationship with his daughter. What would make things right? He asked his ex if his daughter felt comfortable going out to breakfast with him. He stressed that he did not want her to feel pressured to join him. His ex said the daughter was OK with meeting him. At breakfast he explained he has a disease which sometimes makes him drink too much alcohol, which leads to him saying terrible things he doesn’t mean. He stressed that his behavior was not acceptable. He told his daughter he was working really hard on not drinking and doing better. Jason’s daughter accepted his apology and was happy to have him back in her life. An important part of the effort to repair is to take full responsibility for the wrong and not to lay blame on anyone else. This is not the time for assigning partial blame to others. And it’s important to avoid any rationalizing, justifying or making excuses. In some instances, remedying a wrong may involve paying money or repairing or replacing damaged property.
But it’s also essential to realize and accept that the person you harmed may not be ready or willing to accept your apology and offer you forgiveness. You can offer an apology and take steps to remedy the harm you caused, but what the other person does with that is beyond your control. If your apology or offers to repair are not accepted, you have to accept that and let it go. Self-forgiveness can’t depend on what the other person does. So don’t let the other person’s unwillingness to communicate or forgive keep you stuck in self-unforgiveness. The only person you have control over is you.
For Jason, much harder than getting his daughter’s forgiveness, was forgiving himself. For most people this can be the most challenging part of the process. It can help to start with identifying what you learned from the experience. For Jason one clear take away was that he needed to put more effort into his recovery to try to prevent future relapses. He recommitted to working with his sponsor and going to more AA meetings. He decided to be more consistent with therapy sessions. He was turning a bad situation into something which resulted in some positive change. The realization that the experience contributed to his personal growth helped the self-forgiveness process. It was also motivating for him to consider that his daughter did not benefit from his unwillingness to forgive himself. When he was in as state of unforgiveness he was resentful and had wanted to avoid her. He would be a better person and father if he felt better about himself and was kinder to himself. Which brings us to the next takeaway:
Why is self-forgiveness important?
Why is self-forgiveness important? It allows you to release anger and resentment and for the healing process to begin. Without self-forgiveness a person becomes stuck and unable to learn from past mistakes and move forward. Those stuck in unforgiveness may also project that anger and resentment onto others, further damaging their relationships.
Simple Strategies to Practice Self-Forgivness
A helpful strategy to use in the process of self-forgiveness is to recall a person who made you feel loved and cared for from your past. This could be a family member, friend, teacher, coach, mentor or even a pet. Visualize you and this person (or animal) sitting together. Imagine this caring figure listing some of your best qualities. Remind yourself that you are not defined by your worst behavior and that you possess many good characteristics.
Often, we tend to be more compassionate to other than we are to ourselves. So, it can also be helpful to think about what you would tell a good friend who had done the same bad act you have done. Would you want your friend to continue to resent themselves and feel shame or to embrace self-forgiveness? If you’d encourage your friend to forgive themselves, allow this for same grace for yourself as well.
You might also try pretending that you were the victim in this situation and not the offender. You as the victim are ready to forgive this pretend offender. Stand in front of a mirror and tell that person how you feel about what they did, why you are ready to forgive them and why they are worthy of forgiveness.
Journaling can be a great tool for processing your feelings and organizing your thoughts. Write down exactly what you feel you have done wrong, how it impacted you and the other person, what you plan to do to try to make amends, what you have learned from the experience and what you plan to do going forward.
It can also be useful to write yourself a letter of self-forgiveness, explaining why giving yourself grace is necessary and permissible. Include ways that learning from your mistake is making you a better person.
It can also be helpful to identify an affirmation to repeat to yourself related to self-forgiveness. Some examples might include “I am letting go of my past so that I can move forward,” “I am a good person worthy of self-forgiveness” “I forgive myself and am ready to move forward.” Repeating this affirmation can help develop new thinking patterns which are more open to self-forgiveness. This kind of based the idea of fake it ‘til you make it. Keep saying it until you believe it.
Self-forgiveness is not a quick or easy process. But it is well worth the time and effort and can put you on a path to being a healthier, more content person. Overcoming self-criticism and embracing self-compassion, as well as taking proactive steps to make amends can significantly contribute to the healing process. Various therapeutic approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and mindfulness meditation can also be beneficial in fostering self-forgiveness and personal growth.
Self-Forgiveness FAQ
What is self-forgiveness and why is it important?
Self-forgiveness is a process of letting go of self-condemnation for past mistakes and embracing self-compassion. It is crucial for personal growth, healing, and fostering better relationships.
How does self-forgiveness differ from condoning bad behavior?
Self-forgiveness does not imply condoning or glossing over past regretful behavior. Instead, it's about acknowledging mistakes, learning from them, and not letting them define your identity.
What is the first step towards self-forgiveness?
Identifying and acknowledging the emotions related to the regretful behavior is the first step. Naming emotions can help in lessening their intensity and better regulating them.
How can one work towards letting go of shame and guilt?
Differentiating between shame (being a bad person) and guilt (doing a bad thing) is crucial. Channeling feelings of guilt into positive actions for making amends can be productive, while working on letting go of shame is essential for self-compassion.
What strategies can be helpful in the process of self-forgiveness?
Some helpful strategies include journaling, practicing affirmations, visualizing supportive individuals, making amends, and engaging in therapeutic practices like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
How can self-forgiveness contribute to personal growth?
Self-forgiveness allows individuals to learn from their mistakes, make amends, and move forward. It can lead to improved self-esteem, better relationships, and a more content and healthier life.
About the Author:
Debbie Shepard
Psychotherapist with many years of clinical and supervisory experience in the behavioral health field. My clinical focus includes substance use disorders, mood disorders, anxiety, issues of emerging adulthood, life transitions, co-dependency, school, work and relationship issues, and trauma. I work with adults, couples and adolescents.