Coaching Techniques & questions that Help Improve Self Esteem
Self-esteem is basically defined as the value we give to ourselves. It is the perception we hold of ourselves, what we think we are or are not worth. A lot of factors in our lives hold the power to impact our self-esteem, may it be for better or for worse. Some of these include relationships, career, and the childhood experiences we go through.
Why is Self-Esteem Important?
If you’re wondering why self-esteem is an integral part of a person’s journey, let us answer your question. Self-esteem has a direct connection to our mental health and well-being. As long as we don’t realize our worth and the value we hold in our being, we can not expect to live a happy or fulfilling life.
When we have low self-esteem, our decision making capacity decreases because we keep doubting ourselves. We feel scattered, and unable to stand our ground in any aspect of our lives. Moreover, it may also lead to self-sabotage and unending regrets. These are some reasons why having good self-esteem is absolutely vital.
If we talk about the clients who come to us for help in their lives, we will often find that they are struggling with low self-esteem that is creating the problems they are facing. A lot of them might not even be aware of it, but we, as coaches, must always remember that this might be the underlying cause of their troubles.
Basic Principles of Self-Esteem:
There are some fundamental building blocks that make or break a person’s self-esteem. Learning about them is immensely beneficial for us coaches so that we can truly understand how we can help our clients in every step of their journey towards an improved level of self-esteem. We are going to discuss these fundamental parts now.
Awareness of the Self:
As with any part of our lives, self-esteem also requires a certain level of awareness of ourselves. We cannot solve any problem without first grasping the concept and understanding it in detail. When we encourage our clients to look inwards and try to find the root of their particular issue, they often find the answers within themselves.
We need to inspire them to look for what exactly caused them to have a low self-esteem in the first place. Once we achieve this with our clients, the rest of the journey opens up to us.
Self-Talk:
The only person who has and will always be with us is ourselves. It is only natural that the way we talk to ourselves has a huge role to play in how we perceive what we are. If we keep telling ourselves that we are not worth anything, we will end up believing it. On the other hand, if we give positive affirmations to ourselves, we will see that we end up feeling more and more confident. Of course, this is an important step that we need to teach our clients if they are looking to improve self-esteem.
Strong Values:
The basis of every human being’s mind is the set of values they hold. When one is unclear about their personal core beliefs and values, they often end up in troubling situations where they do not know what to do. This causes their self-esteem to plummet, not because they are doing something wrong, but only because they do not know what they want to do. Recognizing and discovering your personal values enables you to really act in a way that satisfies you.
For clients, we need to be their mirror and show them what they actually like doing, or what they should avoid because it destroys their peace of mind.
Comparison with Others:
We have finally gotten here. The bane of our existence. Every single one of us has had instances of comparing ourselves to others, and it messes up our self-esteem tremendously. It is good to learn what other successful people are doing and to try and incorporate them in your own life. What is not okay, however, is putting yourself down by telling yourself that they are better than you.
It is important for us as coaches to really bring out this self-critic from the hearts of our clients, and help them be satisfied with what they are, while also not compromising on growth and learning. One way to do this is to focus on the actions and behaviors of successful people, instead of putting the person themselves on a high pedestal.
Celebrating Yourself:
One other thing that has a huge impact on your self-esteem is whether or not you celebrate your wins. We are all prone to revisiting and reliving our bad times, thinking them over and over in our heads. But most of us do not give the same treatment to our achievements. We keep feeding into the same cycles of shame when we do something wrong, and ignorance when we do something right.
At the end of the day, we are all doing both right and wrong things, it all depends on what you focus on.
What are the Things that Negatively Impact our Self-Esteem?
Here are some important things-actions, beliefs and behaviors- that may lead to negative impact on our self-esteem. If we help our clients identify and work on these main aspects of their personality, they will be able to really break through their shells, especially if these are the only things holding them back.
Self-criticism; The constant habit of putting yourself down.
Pessimism: Looking at things in a negative light, glass-half-empty kind of way.
Perfectionism: Holding yourself to an unreasonably high standard.
Over-dependence on praise: Needing external validation to feel worthy.
Obsessing over failures: Inability to accept failure as part of life.
Poor self-awareness: Not knowing your core beliefs and values.
Avoiding risks: Being fearful of going against the grain, or the social norms.
Cycles of shame: Getting stuck in cycles of intense shame and guilt over normal mistakes.
Putting yourself at second place: Always putting other people’s needs, wants or desires above your own, sometimes even at the cost of yours.
Simple things you can do (or have your client do) to improve self esteem
There are multiple ways and tools that you can incorporate into your coaching techniques for your clients. Everyone deserves to get to a point where they’re able to quiet their inner critic and feel good about themselves. They shouldn’t have to constantly doubt themselves, and put themselves down. Even if it’s possible for only short bursts. Here are some tools you or your client can use to build confidence.
Accepting Compliments Instead of Deflecting Them:
Oftentimes, people tend to deflect compliments instead of accepting them. You might hear someone say, “you look so nice today!” and you would find yourself saying, “have you seen yourself?” Now that is not a bad thing to say, it is very likely that this person looks just as good as you but you missed the part where you were supposed to accept the compliment.
Just like the example mentioned above, you will find a ton of incidents where you end up deflecting compliments, or throwing a counter-compliment to take away the attention from yourself. Therefore, making a habit of opening up your heart and accepting when someone says something nice about you, is a big step to improving self-esteem. You should do it for yourself, but also for the other person, because you will accept that they mean what they say.
Keep a Gratitude Journal:
Keeping a gratitude journal is a sure way to habitualize looking at the positives in your life. At the end of every day, we list three to five things that made us happy that day, that made us feel grateful, or proud of ourselves. In this way, we will train our brain to focus on the positives that are happening all around us, everyday.
Positive Affirmations:
One other tool that our clients would really benefit from is incorporating self affirmations into their everyday lives. When we hear something repeatedly, our minds are inclined to believe it as the truth. Especially if it is negative thoughts and negative reinforcements, we can really drown in them, and feel like they are our whole world.
Positive affirmations everyday in front of the mirror can add up, and soon we will find ourselves focusing on the positive aspects of ourselves. Make sure that you don’t end up choosing grand unreachable affirmations, such as “I will never be sad”, because this might make you feel like you never live up to it. Instead, focus on small steps first, like “today, I am enough.”
Exercise:
This one does not need any beating around the bush. We all know that exercise is an integral part of a healthy life and yet most of us do not regularly do it. To help your clients achieve an improved self-esteem, you can help them make exercise part of their routine. When they work out or move their body, ‘endorphins’, also known as happiness chemicals, are released. This will greatly improve their self-esteem and make them feel confident in their bodies and themselves.
Thanking, Not Apologizing:
Another very interesting technique we would like you to keep in mind is the ‘thanking, not apologizing’ technique. We all do things in our lives that were not ideal or completely perfect. Little things like being late to a party or forgetting your keys at home. In most of these instances, we may find ourselves saying sorry to the people around us who had to wait for us or cover for us for those five extra minutes. Being overly-apologetic, especially when the other person is saying they don’t mind, makes us feel extremely low about ourselves. Instead, what we can try to do is incorporate gratitude into the equation- so instead of saying “sorry I’m late”, try saying “thank you for waiting for me.”
Setting Small Goals and Working for Them:
As humans, we have a tendency to reach for the stars too often, and miss the valuable things along the way. Although goal-setting is a very important step in success, setting unrealistic or far-off goals that you cannot possibly meet in the near future, may actually do more harm than good. To make sure that your goal-setting does not become another reminder of failure for you, set small, reachable goals. Once you start meeting them, you will feel more motivated to do even better.
Coaching Questions to Ask Your Client to improve self-esteem
Here are some example questions that you can ask your clients to nudge them to be more self-aware. In this way, both of you will learn more about the particular root causes and insecurities that they face, and be able to develop a particular plan moving forward.
How do you know if you're putting too much pressure on yourself?
What are some obstacles you’ve overcome in the past?
What are you most excited about? What are you looking forward to?
What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?
What messages does your inner critic send you? How many of them do you believe?
What do you know at your core about yourself?
Who are the people in your life who make you feel good?
If you let go of this negative belief, what kind of person would you be? What would be the changes in your daily activities?
What fears come in the way of your success?
How do you react to them? Do you think there is a better way to respond?
What strengths do you possess? What do other people ask you to help them with?
What do you know about yourself, without anybody having to tell you?
How would you grow if a particular plan of yours succeeded?
What are you struggling with that is common to other people as well?
What are the risks you would like to take, but are hesitant or fearful?
What are your most proud achievements?
What happens in the long run, if you do not stand up to your inner critic?
How can you learn something good from painful things that happened in the past?
What are the 3 main things that you love about yourself?
How can you take your talents and skills do help other people?
In Conclusion
Low self-esteem is something we all may experience at different points in our lives. Some people seem to have high self-esteem naturally, while others may need to work a bit harder to boost their confidence. No matter where you fall on the spectrum, it’s important to remember that self-love and esteem are essential aspects of our shared human experience. By embracing them, we can learn to accept ourselves for who we are – faults and all – and move forward with more compassion and happiness. What have been your experiences with self-esteem? How do you think society could better support individuals in developing healthy levels of self-love?
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